Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Thursday, 20 May 2010
- The need for emotional support.
- The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
- The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
- The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
- The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
- The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
- The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
- The need to have your work and your interests respected.
- The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
- The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.
- The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.
- The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
- The need to have your final decisions accepted.
- The need for privacy at times.
Monday, 17 May 2010
Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he’ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.
It’s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort. If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he’s ‘cured’, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they’ll be able to give you further information and support.
You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he’s dealing with the reasons why he’s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to ensure your own safety, and that of any children you may have, during this period.
If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it’s clear that he hasn’t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he’s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.
He is still blaming me. Therefore he can't change. What can I do but leave him?
Last night, we got close. He wouldn't let me watch tv, and said he wanted to talk. After yesterday, I really didn't think we had much to talk about except for how we were going to go our separate ways with our three girls, but I tried to get across how I felt. Eventually, in frustration, I told him he had taken away my safe place - my home. He stopped shouting. He put his head in his hands, and started sobbing, asking me to forgive him. He said that he understood now, that he got it.
We held one another for a long time. He was inconsolable.
We went to bed and made love.
Things, for now, are good.