tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82738206008143963882024-02-20T00:25:09.422-08:00Wife Needs OutInfrequent postings from a 40-something unhappy wife. Trying to leave but not having much success so far. Must try harder.....Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-82579650741420482872012-01-05T14:50:00.000-08:002012-01-05T14:50:00.399-08:008 signs and He has every oneI found <a href="http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm" target="_blank">this article</a> today on How to Spot an Emotional Manipulator. Pretty shocking huh? Who on earth would stay with someone like this?! <br />
<br />
Me. <br />
<br />
I checked. He does every one of these. And look what the advice is: leave!!<br />
<br />
Ok, ok - I'm trying, I swear.Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-90644912214585378762012-01-03T14:45:00.000-08:002012-01-03T14:45:45.185-08:00Fake it till you make it.I've tried to tell him; really, I have. I say it and He just 'reassures' me. He tells me don't worry, we're going to get through this, we owe it to ourselves, we're made for each other. Etc.... etc......<br />
I get that He wants to 'make it work'. But what about what I want?<br />
<br />
I want out. <br />
<br />
He wants us to carry on until my 16yo has finished her GCSEs - in June. When I asked him how I'm supposed to do that, He told me to 'pretend'. "Fake it till you make it" He says. <br />
<br />
I can't do that, can I? Thought not......Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-31780532615076870282011-12-25T16:34:00.000-08:002011-12-25T16:34:21.599-08:00Phew, I made itIt's now officially Boxing Day - made it through Christmas Day, yay! <br />
A quiet day, made more so as He's suffering from a flu-type bug, but we did manage to go out for a drive, which was a nice break. I made us a festive dinner this evening, and just when I thought we'd made it to the end of the day without a row, it happened. He stood up, and announced that He was going out, as He "couldn't stand the atmosphere". What atmosphere?! It turns out it was because I chose to sit on the armchair, instead of next to him on the sofa, where I'd been installed semi-permanently over the last couple of days.....<br />
When He came back, I told him that his insecurities were ruining our relationship, and pushing me away. And that next time I sat next to him on the sofa, He'd now wonder if I was doing it because He would sulk if I didn't. <br />
I feel like I'm under a microscope. Can't wait to go north on Wednesday. Still no idea what I'm going to tell the kids. I have promised Him that I'll keep an open mind. Not sure how I'm going to do that. <br />
<br />
By the way, Happy Christmas! xxWifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-76981090141973715922011-12-24T06:30:00.000-08:002011-12-24T06:34:10.052-08:00Another thing....I got a new phone contract last week, and was offered a shiny new iPad 2 as a package deal with my contract. So I said "yes please", and thought, great, that's His Christmas present sorted out. Even though we'd agreed to only spend £50 on each other (as I'm broke) I knew he wouldn't stick to it. And I can already tell he hasn't There are 8 presents under the tree for me, which is about the same as last year, and last year he bought me a Macbook Air......<div>Anyway, I put the iPad away for him, pleased it was sorted. Then I got to thinking, why would I want to pay for a contract for 2 years when I don't know if I'm going to be with him in 2 weeks?! So I decided to keep it, maybe for myself, maybe not. But until I know what the New Year will bring, I'm keeping it locked away.... along with my ice-heart.......</div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-91129365936170645972011-12-24T06:24:00.000-08:002011-12-24T06:29:54.690-08:00Our sessionSo last night, we went to counselling. It was painful, as I knew it would be. He cried a lot; I cried a little. I really felt his pain, but I also felt it wasn't my responsibility. As I write this, it sounds cold hearted and callous, even to me, but it really isn't. I've carried his pain for such a long time, putting his needs above mine. It's time for him to reach out for what he wants now, without my help. <div>The counsellor asked us to commit to one thing each; and he committed to let me go to up north on my own, which is a massive sacrifice for him, I know. We had originally booked a holiday cottage together for a few days next week, so I could see my son, and visit friends. Going on my own will give me space to breathe - literally and metaphorically - and I'm very grateful to him for letting me go alone. </div><div>So what did I commit to do? I was struggling here, believe me. In the end, I agreed not to make a decision to leave until I came back. I'm not sure that I was being entirely genuine, but I said it, and I'm going to try to keep an open mind for now. </div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-8000134305893744412011-12-24T03:19:00.000-08:002011-12-24T03:19:00.255-08:00"Let's go to counselling"He has been going to a counsellor. A lovely lady - I've also been to her. When he asked me this time last year if I would go with him to a counsellor, I told him that first he needed to go for himself, so that he didn't bring all his emotional baggage to the sessions, and overwhelm the issues with his need. He refused at the time, telling me that the problem wasn't him, it was me. He told me I had to go instead. So I did. For six months I wept and sobbed, and tried to look inside myself and heal. I emerged in June, stronger and more determined to be 'authentic'. It seems that I'd been putting a happy face on (doesn't everyone?!) and not letting my true feelings be known. So that's what I did - instead of swallowing it when I got pissed off at the way he spoke to my daughters, or how lazy he was being round the house, I told him. That didn't go down too well..... <div>He asked me again to come to counselling with him. I pointed out that I'd done my bit - it was time for him to go on his own. So he did. For the last few months, he's been seeing her every couple of weeks, and the most apparent change is that he doesn't lose his temper as much. That's a blessed relief. However, take the anger away and the issues are still there, plainer when they aren't hidden in the temper tantrums. </div><div><br /></div><div>So I told him a month ago I wanted us to part. He argued, cajoled, bribed, wept... until worn down, I agreed to leave it until after Xmas. In the meantime, we would 'try'. I'm 'trying'. I'm 'trying not to leave, in fact. </div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-48464217671616542642011-12-23T03:14:00.000-08:002011-12-23T03:41:13.246-08:00What happened nextOnce the girls had gone, I stood there feeling very very empty and a long long way from home. I'm living in a county that I don't belong in, and in a life that doesn't fit me. I sound very whiny, I know. I am being whiny. But what I want is the little things; a home - a very modest, humble little place that I can call mine, and fill it with the little things that mean a lot to me: pictures of the kids, little knick-knacks, a dog.......<div>I don't want the massive car he bought me; I want a little run around that I can afford by myself. I don't need a plasma screen tv, or the latest tumble drier (which I still can't work out how to use, after a year of trying....... ) I don't want to go to Michelin star restaurants, just the two of us; I'd rather take the girls out for a pizza or to a silly film. </div><div><br /></div><div>So why do I need his permission to go to the pictures? Well I don't, it's true. But I'm always under the spotlight; my actions are scrutinised and pored over; my reactions analysed. I'm suffocating...... </div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-81951962808349617732011-12-21T15:24:00.000-08:002011-12-23T03:11:24.011-08:00Today is our Christmas DayThe girls are going to their Dad's for Christmas again - boo hoo - so we had our Christmas Day today. His daughter - now 19 - was also here for the day, so we got up, exchanged presents, had Christmas lunch, just like it was the real thing. <div>The present giving was good, though it was a little fraught at times as He tried to overlay his instructions onto the proceedings, but I pushed back, and my way prevailed in the main. </div><div>Then after lunch, as we sat there talking, the girls and I got a bit giddy, making each other laugh, and it seemed that the more we laughed, the more stony-faced He and his daughter looked. We carried on regardless. He snapped at my younger one as he got up, demanding that she get up and help clear up, but again I intervened, suggesting we clear up after we'd been for a walk. By the time we left, He and his daughter were already walking 20 paces behind us. </div><div>We didn't care. My daughters and I walked, talked and laughed together, and when I looked back, they were almost out of sight. </div><div>Then my big girl turned to me and asked, "Are you going to leave him, Mum?" </div><div>"I might", I replied. </div><div>"What?!" they both exclaimed, shocked. It was the first time I'd admitted that it was possible......</div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-62797403021516312732010-06-05T01:02:00.000-07:002010-06-05T01:06:04.847-07:00Daughter in tears<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">An example: My 14 yo is beautiful – inside and out. Overly sensitive sometimes, she’s a joy to be with and I love spending time with her. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">Then she got a boyfriend who was messing her around. I watched, not wanting to interfere but worried for her. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">One evening, she was on Messenger Chat, clearly trying to solve an argument (never a good idea online, it’s true) and she was getting upset. She was actually typing with little tears running down her cheeks. Step-dad asked her to switch it off and go finish her chore. She asked him for more time. He said no. I was witnessing all this feeling really sad for her. I whispered to him to allow her more time, but he refused. Eventually, he shouted at her and took her laptop away. Now in floods of tears, she ran out of the room and slammed the door. What did he do? Called her back and made her apologise for slamming the door. When she had been in her room for half an hour, I said I might go up and make sure she was alright. He said no. He told me I was being too soft with her and making a rod for my own back. I went up anyway, and gave her a big hug so she could go to sleep knowing her Mum cared about her feelings.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">I came downstairs to a hostile husband, ready for a row. I went to bed, but he followed, shouting at me that I was a bad parent, that my daughters would go off the rails without him there to discipline them. Same old same old. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">I’m still glad I did it.</span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-64467029666736530452010-06-05T00:43:00.000-07:002010-06-05T01:02:07.211-07:00Counselling Session #3<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS";mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;color:black">The other two counselling sessions have gone ok; neither of us has really got cross, or said anything the other didn't know about. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;font-family:"Trebuchet MS";mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS"">Tonight was different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS"">We discussed in depth, that sticky subject – parenting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s where all the problems originate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>In a nutshell, he wants to parent my daughters, and I don’t want him to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They have a lovely (if too soft) Dad and a very strong Mum; they don’t need an overbearing step-dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They need a friendly step-dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I know the role of step-dad is not an easy one; but I think I’m doing ok as a step-mum – I don’t try to parent his daughter; instead, I take the role of big sister, or aunt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>After all, she already has a Mum.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS"">Coupled with this, our parenting styles are very different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I think I’m firm but fair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He’s firm but firm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I love to spend time with my daughters, talking about their day and listening to their chatter at mealtimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He likes peace and quiet, and mealtimes for grown-ups only.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Weekends are a constant battle between time for us, and time with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I like to divide my time equally; he wants me all to himself for the weekend with no kids at all (except his of course).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS"">I have asked him repeatedly over all the years we’ve been together, NOT to try to parent my daughters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He persists in doing so, making us all (including him) miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Now it was the counsellor’s turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She told him to try not to parent them unless it affected him directly, for example if they were being noisy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He said he didn’t want to stop parenting them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I said I would never accept his style of parenting and I wanted him to stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She told him again to stop, but he said he would find it too difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She asked me which I would prefer – him to carry on parenting and us all live together, or would I be happier if he moved out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I replied without hesitation: “If he does not stop trying to parent my daughters I don’t want to live with him”.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:"Trebuchet MS"">As we drove away, he said “well done – you’ve won”. He packed the car and left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Only for the weekend, but it’s a start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>A weekend of freedom is ahead of me and it feels great.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </span>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-63563145674995969502010-06-05T00:42:00.001-07:002010-06-05T00:42:37.832-07:00Small price to payOn Wednesday, I had a dreadful shock. The awful shootings in Cumbria were horrific enough, but upon phoning my ex in South Lakes to check he knew (he didn't), he then told me in a very shaky voice that my 12 yo was with friends on the coast, about 10 miles from Whitehaven. The next few hours were some of the worst of my life, as he located her, had her taken to someplace safe, and then finally, we were told that the gunman had been found dead. I was weak with relief. Somehow, I got through the next three hours trying to catch up with the work that I had missed, until eventually at 5.30pm, I was spent - emotionally and mentally. I switched off my computer, grabbed my dog, and headed out into the sunshine for a walk.<br /><br />I had been trying to call my husband all day to appraise him of the situation (he told me later I was overreacting) and called him again as I was leaving the house to check when he'd be home, but there was no answer. Half an hour later, when I was sitting with my dog admiring the view, he called me to tell me he was home. Clearly annoyed I wasn't there to greet him, so I invited him to join me, but he declined, saying he was too tired. I finished my walk, and headed home with some trepidation about what mood I would find him in....<br /><br />When I got home, he was clearly not happy with me. I tried to keep things light. "What would you like for supper darling?" I asked him in a bright voice. We had little fresh in the fridge (mea culpa) so I offered to pop out to the local supermarket to pick some things up. I then got back, unpacked it all, cooked him a lovely meal and served it to him on his knee in front of the tv.<br /><br />At 9.30pm, my lovely 14 yo waltzes through the door, just back from a school trip to Disneyland. Tired, but full of news to tell me about what they'd got up to, where they'd been, who had done what to whom, etc. Sensing my husband's displeasure, I took her into the kitchen where she told me all about it. I put on a pizza for her, and we had a lovely girly chat. When she'd finished, I invited her into the living room, but realised my mistake straight away by the look on his face. He didn't want her there. Within ten minutes, he'd gone to bed in a mood.<br /><br />We snuggled up on the sofa together and watched Junior Apprentice. Lovely.<br /><br />But I would pay for it later.Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-57372346285400907562010-05-26T14:29:00.000-07:002010-05-26T14:40:08.857-07:00Counselling 101<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">Originally refusing to even consider counselling, a couple of months ago he did a 360 and became an advocate. I'd been trying to persuade him for months, but he was very anti the idea; now, when I'm feeling "what's the point?" he suddenly decides it's our best chance. So we go.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">She is just as I imagine - in a little council house on a slightly scruffy estate, in her front room with the tv covered up by a throw, she was wearing an eclectic outfit that wasn't quite smart, and had mannish sandals on. It didn't seem the most hopeful of starts. However, I have to admit that she did seem to ask the right questions of both of us, and encouraged some lively discussion, to say the least. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">We talked about our pasts, then talked about how we met and the first 7 years of the relationship, and we were actually pretty generous with one another. Then we got onto current issues. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">It's a fact that the arguments began in September last year, only two months in to our marriage. I have my own ideas about how they started; he has a slightly biased version - biased against me, of course. What was interesting, was that he didn't once mention his temper outbursts and violent episodes - he didn't even allude to them. I didn't want to bring it up as I feel that's really his confession, and as such it's more cathartic if it actually comes from him. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">In the final part of the session, he played the wounded soldier a bit too much for my liking, until I got fed up with it and told her that I felt angry at him - angry that he's always so grumpy and miserable. And that he holds me accountable for that. I also said (bravely I thought) that I didn't trust his decisions any more and where me and my daughters are involved, I will be making my own decisions. He really did not like that one bit. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">The session closed around then, and we drove home in silence. We've barely spoken since. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">Our next session is on Friday...... watch this space.......</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">PS if anyone has any suggestions or tips to make sure I can get my points across without sounding petty or resentful, please let me know!! </span></div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-90694540634460092712010-05-26T14:23:00.001-07:002010-05-26T14:27:56.168-07:00It's been a while<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">Rubbish week, in bed with flu. Daughters did a fab job of looking after me; husband was grumpy and sulky at my inability to carry on. I tell a lie - one evening he did cook the meal - for me and him at least. Daughters had to fend for themselves.....</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">Wouldn't you think that when we're incapacitated, it would make our husbands better appreciate all that we do when we're working at usual speed? After all, I watch Wife Swap - the husbands on that seem very grateful to have their wives back...... Now that's an idea - I could go on Wife Swap to expose him and his irrational behaviours. He may agree - he thinks he's being perfectly rational and merely reactive to my 'bad behaviour'. He says that a lot, by the way: "you're behaving very badly" - like I'm a child. When actually, he's the one behaving like a child.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span></div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-86710306396211944842010-05-20T09:08:00.001-07:002010-05-20T09:12:52.501-07:00Basic needs in a relationship - an eyeopener<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Thanks to one of my lovely Twitter friends, I came across this site: </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><a href="http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Basic Needs in Relationships"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#000000;">http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Basic Needs in Relationships</span></a><br /></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Times New Roman';"><a name="Basic Needs in Relationships"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">Basic Needs in Relationships - </span></b></span></a></span>This article really makes me think about what I'm putting up with right now. These are the needs I don't have in my marriage:</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;"><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana;">The need for emotional support.</span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with </span></span><a href="http://eqi.org/respect.htm"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">respect</span></span></a><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"> and acceptance</span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span></span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span></span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span></span></span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana;">The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.</span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to live free from criticism and judgment.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span></span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to have your work and your interests respected.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span></span></span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana;">The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.</span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span></span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.</span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.</span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need to have your final decisions accepted.</span></span></li><li><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">The need for privacy at times.</span></span></li></ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">That's a very daunting list. To try to improve the marriage right now seems impossible.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">I wonder what he'd do if I showed him this list?</span></div></span></div></div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-33868586596704343662010-05-20T08:29:00.000-07:002010-05-20T08:39:30.266-07:00Dysfunctional day outSo we visited a National Trust garden in the Cotswolds recently. We weren't exactly non-speaking, but we hadn't fallen out either, if you know what I mean. I opened the boot of the car to get my camera out, and he went to pass it to me, but instead turned on the viewing screen, and started looking through the images there. I had just photographed a young lady and it wasn't really appropriate for him to look at them, so I made a joke and popped out the memory card to replace it with a blank one.<div>First he accused me of snatching it, which I denied, then apologised for. I tried to make light of it, holding his hand and talking about the garden we were going to see, but he was clearly in a mood by this time. He shrugged off my hand, and I tried to explain calmly about the shoot on the card, and the reason I'd taken the card out, and stopped him looking at it. He got even crossed, and wouldn't be calm. After a few minutes of trying to placate him, in tears, he snapped at me that he wanted to look around the gardens on his own and started walking off. I called after him to ask him for the car keys so I could at least sit in the car, but he shouted 'no' and walked off out of sight.</div><div>I had no money, and my phone had no signal. All I could do was to sit on a bench to wait for him to return. It was very cold, and I started to shiver. </div><div>He came back an hour later. No apologies, and still mad with me. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is my life now.</div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-16395035859652269922010-05-17T10:07:00.000-07:002010-05-17T10:15:44.203-07:00Double standards(His, not mine.)<div><br /></div><div>Eldest daughter (his, not mine) is at college, and not doing too well. We had a meet today with the course leader to find out what we could do to help her. She's apparently unmotivated and behind with her work. She's also not doing her chores at home, I wanted to say, but I didn't.</div><div>When we got home, littlest daughter (mine, not his) came home and was practically read the riot act, made to do her chore and found some homework to do, in spite of not having any. All at his instigation.</div><div>What did eldest daughter do then, I hear you ask? She went out to see her friends for the evening. No chore done; no college work done. </div><div>I don't mind, really I don't. But I do mind hypocrisy - I mind that a lot. I'm probably even more sensitive to it when it's my daughter who seems to bear the brunt.</div><div><br /></div><div>This isn't the first time, and nor will it be the last. Trying to get him to see his double standards always results in either a blow-out (no thanks) or else a big sulk (we're experiencing this right now).</div><div><br /></div><div>And so we battle on, my girls and me.</div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-38294111874351278862010-05-17T02:01:00.001-07:002010-05-17T02:04:52.992-07:00He'll change<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">He says he will. He says he'll go to counselling. Then he says it's my fault, that I made him like this. That he wasn't like this before he met me. That he is only like this because he's so scared of losing me. He says all this, and I listen.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Then, thanks to one of my lovely readers, I read this on www.womensaid.org.uk/:</span></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">It’s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it’s very difficult to change and so isn’t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it’s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.</span></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; "><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he’ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a </span></span><a href="http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220018&itemTitle=Perpetrator" style="text-decoration: underline; font-weight: normal !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">service specifically for abusive men</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">It’s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort. If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he’s ‘cured’, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they’ll be able to give you further information and support. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he’s dealing with the reasons why he’s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to </span></span><a href="http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005" style="text-decoration: underline; font-weight: normal !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">ensure your own safety,</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;"> and that of any children you may have, during this period. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;">If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it’s clear that he hasn’t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he’s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-left: 0px; line-height: 16px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">He is still blaming me. Therefore he can't change. What can I do but leave him?</span></p></span>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-34771409539887381972010-05-17T01:48:00.001-07:002010-05-17T01:48:54.588-07:00The calm before the storm?<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none; text-autospace:none"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Last night, we got close. He wouldn't let me watch tv, and said he wanted to talk. After yesterday, I really didn't think we had much to talk about except for how we were going to go our separate ways with our three girls, but I tried to get across how I felt. Eventually, in frustration, I told him he had taken away my safe place - my home. He stopped shouting. He put his head in his hands, and started sobbing, asking me to forgive him. He said that he understood now, that he got it.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none; text-autospace:none"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">We held one another for a long time. He was inconsolable.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none; text-autospace:none"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">We went to bed and made love.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size:16.0pt;font-family:Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Things, for now, are good.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-55874091544211137102010-05-16T10:48:00.000-07:002010-05-16T10:49:53.125-07:00I need a breakI told him today that I needed a few days away. He said he felt that I was trying to punish him. I just need to get away - just me and our little dog (who he hates) with no particular place to go, laptop and books in my case.<div>Bliss.</div><div>Just have to work out a plan for it to happen.</div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-85388557880882059082010-05-15T15:23:00.000-07:002010-05-15T15:29:00.084-07:00Today was not a good dayIn fact, it was one of the worst of our relatively short marriage to date. <div>We were in the car, on the motorway. The argument had been going on - and off - all day. It was coming to a head. I had already insisted on driving as he was not in a fit state, I said. He acquiesced (unusually). But then he started getting mad - I mean REALLY mad. He began by shouting and swearing at me (I was doing 80mph) then insisting I pull off the motorway. I was scared and said I just wanted to get home. He started screaming at me to pull off, and threatening to yank on the wheel. Through my tears, I refused. He grabbed the handbrake, and I pleaded with him to get off it. I was shaking and the tears were flowing so fast I could hardly see. He screamed at me that he was going to kill me; held his hands out as they would be around my neck. I panicked, and pulled over. He got out of the car and lay on the grass beside the road. All was quiet.</div><div><br /></div><div>We stayed like that for an hour. Then he got up, got back in the car, and we drove home.</div>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273820600814396388.post-41797578666931782922010-05-15T14:49:00.000-07:002010-05-15T14:52:46.784-07:00First post<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;">Hi there. No idea whether anyone is reading this, so in some ways, in kind of like a diary. An online diary. I need this diary - this medium - to share (with someone? Anyone?) the things that are happening in an everyday marriage but to me. You see, I've only been married a few months. I thought everything would be perfect - doesn't everyone? But it isn't. It's far from perfect. It's dark, and sad, and now I don't know what to do. This blog is to help me. To decide what to do. To decide how to do it. Because right now, Wife Wants Out.</span>Wifeneedsouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17600801083251769156noreply@blogger.com2