She is just as I imagine - in a little council house on a slightly scruffy estate, in her front room with the tv covered up by a throw, she was wearing an eclectic outfit that wasn't quite smart, and had mannish sandals on. It didn't seem the most hopeful of starts. However, I have to admit that she did seem to ask the right questions of both of us, and encouraged some lively discussion, to say the least.
We talked about our pasts, then talked about how we met and the first 7 years of the relationship, and we were actually pretty generous with one another. Then we got onto current issues.
It's a fact that the arguments began in September last year, only two months in to our marriage. I have my own ideas about how they started; he has a slightly biased version - biased against me, of course. What was interesting, was that he didn't once mention his temper outbursts and violent episodes - he didn't even allude to them. I didn't want to bring it up as I feel that's really his confession, and as such it's more cathartic if it actually comes from him.
In the final part of the session, he played the wounded soldier a bit too much for my liking, until I got fed up with it and told her that I felt angry at him - angry that he's always so grumpy and miserable. And that he holds me accountable for that. I also said (bravely I thought) that I didn't trust his decisions any more and where me and my daughters are involved, I will be making my own decisions. He really did not like that one bit.
The session closed around then, and we drove home in silence. We've barely spoken since.
Our next session is on Friday...... watch this space.......
PS if anyone has any suggestions or tips to make sure I can get my points across without sounding petty or resentful, please let me know!!
Hey
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should be afraid to tell the counsellor about his violent outbursts or his temper. Don't think of it as outing him.
The process will not work unless you lay your souls bare and really try and that means making sure he understands how his behaviour, his choices and his temper affects you and your girls.
I admire you for going after everything you've written here. I'm not sure I could do it.
If it's what you really want then I hope it all works out for you
xx
I had a session like this, and everything just sucked for the next week. I'm not sure how you can do that without them feeling angry or victimized as you are bringing to light subjects that he (or you) really want to talk about.
ReplyDeleteLaying your souls bare, will be interesting. What I don't hope is that he wants counseling in hopes to get you start siding and seeing it his way. This happens way too often when one feels it is the other to blame for the problems.
Always remember. Calm your heart and your mind, and listen to feelings you get when you do that. Your mind will be able to assess everything and bring a resolution, when it is still and quiet.